The Light in the darkness

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life." John 8:12
I cannot begin to count how many times I've heard this verse. It's one of those typical Sunday School verses that every kid knows. It's a song sung at mass "I am the light of the world, says the Lord, they who follow me, will have the light of liiiiiiiife!" I'm sure you've all heard it a thousand times too, and like me, haven't given it much thought. It seems like just another cute little metaphor for God being good. He's the Light, He's the Truth, He's the way, yadda yadda yadda. Peachy. But what does that mean? Really, what does it mean for Jesus to be LIGHT? Well, light has happy connotations. I've always figured this was a verse of comfort, that it meant that God is cute and cuddly and warm like the sun. Well, I had an experience last week that showed me just what this verse means, and how fierce and strong and powerful that light actually is.

One of the hardest things to do as a Christian is to take hold of your thoughtlife. Paul instructs us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5) That's kind of a big deal. Not only are we supposed to abstain from evil acts, but we are supposed to abstain from evil thoughts! I don't know about you girls, but my thoughts are much more difficult to control than my actions. A big part of this is that God is the only one who is holds me accountable for my thoughts. The consequences for bad thoughts aren't as obvious, so it's even easier to fall into this kind of sin. Another issue is that I can't escape my thoughts. I can't fight them as easily. It's easier to shut my mouth and stop gossiping than it is to stop thinking mean thoughts about another person.

Anyway, I know we all struggle with this on a day to day basis, but last week I was at a point where it got a little out of control. Sorry if I sound crazy, but sometimes my thoughtlife gets so wack that I feel like a different person entirely. I let a little bit of pride get to me, and all of a sudden I feed into it, letting myself get arrogant and really full of it. I probably really sound like a maniac but haven't you ever felt that? Where you got a good grade or you worked out for a long time or a cute guy complimented you, and instead of seeing it as a blessing from God, you gave yourself the credit? When this happens to me I strut around feeling like a total hotshot and it just seems like the sun is shining out of my butt. That's where I was. And as a Christian who believes that Jesus Christ deserves every bit of glory out there, and I deserve none, this way of thinking is obviously TOTALLY inconsistent with who I say I am. Now I knew this at the time, but it didn't stop me from walking around campus believing I was God's gift to the world.

Now what I usually do when I know I'm sinning is exactly what Adam and Eve did in Eden. I turn my back on God. I say, "Hey God, I know that you don't want me to do this, but frankly, I don't care. I know You're the God of the Universe and everything, and I know that You're always right, but I'll deal with that later. Cause this is bad and You're good, so this isn't exactly Your arena. Peace out, talk to you when I'm feeling a little more holy." THIS is the big sin right here. Worse than the prideful thoughts themselves. Let me explain. I know that we're children of light. I know that when we accept Christ as savior, we are a new creation. But the fact of the matter is, we're not Jesus. As Christians we are still human. So sin is going to happen. We can try as hard as we want to live pure, holy lives, but at one point or another temptation is going to push us beyond our limit. At this point, we have two choices: cry out to God, or turn from Him. It isn't a sin to be tempted. It's a sin to push God away when we are.

I'm going to try to explain this in a way that makes sense. This night was different from others. In this great temptation, I decided not to push God away. Instead, I brought Him in with me. This doesn't mean that I had a change of heart and asked Him to deliver me from evil. Not at all. But I prayed in the midst of my sin, and I asked for Him to walk into it with me. It went something like this: "God, part of me is saying that You're disappointed in what I'm thinking right now, but You know what? I'm not going to run away. I'd like to invite You to just be with me right now." I brought God into my darkness. I didn't know you could do that! I thought that God was good, and therefore He just shakes his head sadly and sighs when we start sinning. I am constantly manipulated into believing God is only with me when I'm being a good girl. False. God is with us through it all, and if we let Him, He can FIGHT OFF OUR DARKNESS WITH HIS MIGHTY LIGHT. Because guess what happened when I brought Him in. His light emanated out of me, and just shone into the dark mess that I had created. Those thoughts evaporated. I got over myself. I was done entertaining thoughts of Melissa the Great. I was at peace. I was loved. I was joyful. I didn't need to strive for anything that I thought might satisfy. How awesome is that?!?!?!?!?!

I'd like to encourage you all to cry out to the Lord in the face of sin. Stand by your faith, and realize that God will fight with you. That's what His love is. That's what His light is. That's what God is. Not a meek little carebear of holiness. Yes, He is righteous and good. But He is a Holy Warrior. A Hero. He will fight for you. Even when you don't think you're ready for the battle.

He is Faithful!

I have been praying for the past few months #1 to be refined & humbled & #2 to develop/deepen my understanding of God & who He is.

Now in case you didn't know (im pretty sure the whole world knows though) I was really struggling with physics this quarter. I was so angry with God for making me suffer through this, it just wasn't fair!

I have really been focusing on Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope which we profess for he who promised is faithful" and James 1:6 "But when you ask you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown & tossed by the wind."

I mean these are soooo hard to do... Hold UNSWERVINGLY & NOT doubt... admist all this chaos. On top of my physics problems, I have been having problems with a friend.

Needless to say, God always answers prayers, even if they are not in the way I would like or how I would expect.

First off, I have never struggled in school to be honest & I have totally been humbled by the fact that I am not perfect & I am not the most brilliant person in the world! Not only this but God humbled me because I HATE asking for help. He is sooo faithful though because not only was I humbled & asked for help, but he sent me Jen's husband, Kevin, who used to be a physics professor! I seriously never thought I would understand physics & I totally did after like 3 hours with him! Talk about REFINING ME!!!

Second off, God is always sooo hard for me to understand. Like he is forgiving & full of grace & merciful & strong & just all at the same time... how is that!? This relationship with my friend was a very unhealthy one & I felt like it was my responsibility in the relationship to show Christ to them. This led me in the past to letting myself get walked all over. So needless to say I didn't understand how to stand up for myself without being a b****. God, yet again, is so faithful! (not suprisingly of course!) Because this weekend, I met with my "friend" and not only was I able to say, I forgive you, but I was also able to say, "that was NOT ok & you cannot treat me like that, that is not a true friend". I felt like I finally understood what righteous anger is & how forgiveness differs from acceptance. We have been forgiven of much & therefore have a right to forgive others in the same way. But the same way God forgives us, he does not say our sins were ok, and he challenges us to change & give our lives up to him.

I wish I could just express to you how much I have seen God's glory this past week. His faithfulness really does "stretch out to the skies". Yes, I would love to pass physics & I will be very upset if I don't but he controls my life & all of history, so how can I doubt his faithfulness!?

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday to the ever-beautiful Katie Rose* . . .

And happy birthday as well to the always-lovely Kayla* . . .

*I realize that maybe these aren't your favorite photos of yourselves, but they are definitely my favorite photos of you!

Let your light(s) shine.

So the front-seat to four-year-old-in-the-back-seat version of discourse regarding community participation in Christmas goes something like this: people who put lights up, they love Jesus.
And I know, of course, that this explanation doesn't really do. It's exaggerated and simplified. It doesn't take into account the fact that lots of people who don't love Jesus do celebrate Christmas culturally, nor that lots of people who love Jesus are probably too green to burn a whole lot of PG&E effort on a front lawn of snowmen and seven foot tall angels.
But the actual four-year-old inquiry is probably much more in line with, "Why in the heck doesn't EVERYBODY put up lights? And the colorful ones that blink, not those monotonous all-white ones!" (But without the actual use of the word "monotonous"). Anyway, you can see how this kind of explanation might slip out, well-meaning as a mom might be, in trying to explain what a child is observing.
So we zipped along through a large neighborhood the other night, hunting for Christmas lights. We oohed and aahed and I'd excitedly call out to Keefe, "Tell me when you see any!"
But as we began an incline back up to the main road, I realized we were literally driving in darkness. We were passing rows and rows of houses still, but not one had its lights on.
And I could feel my face falling.
The darkness was deafening.
Especially in light of the original (albeit wanting) explanation.

What will we do to tell the world about Jesus?
He is Love! Light! Life! Merciful! Free! Joy-Giving! Hope! Faithfully Amazing!
So full of grace! So full of acceptance of and desire for us!
Not a single person is undesirable to Him. Not a single person!
And He is the only One who can really heal us, protect us, shine through us.
This birth is everything to us!

Let's shine!




Photo by Jonathan McIntosh

Lanae Hale's Testimony: Self-Injury, Cutting, Suicide ...and God's REDEMPTION!

Hey Girls! As I prepare to share my testimony at Pepperdine (where I attended college for two years before transfering to Santa Clara so I could be closer to home b/c of my struggle with depression) on Wednesday I wanted to share with you this story of an amazingly gifted singer and songwriter, Lanae Hale. Lane's manager contacted me (her music is awesome!) a few years ago, but I just recently stumbled across her story. Her honesty and vulnerability is an inspiration to me as I prepare to share about the stifling insecurities and depths of depression I've experienced. Isn't it refreshing how the courage and vulnerability of others gives us the strength to be open with our own struggles? I so identify with Lanae's testimony and believe that many of you girls will as well. Lanae, I want to thank you for your courage to share your story while giving God total glory for the redemption and healing He's performed in your life! I hope I can meet you soon...you seem like a kindred spirit of ours! Hugs, Allie Marie

Just like her

I hate to bash on Carrie Prejean. Most of the media has not been kind to her, and, even if she will never read this, I don't want to contribute to the overwhelming and undoubtedly hurtful criticism that has been leveled at her.

If you don't know who Carrie Prejean is, then you're probably not an obsessed follower of all-things-celebrity-gossip, like I am. I'm embarrassed to admit that I have this little habit, which started at about the same time that I began a similar obsession with the Jonas Brothers. But that's a story for another post about worshipping false idols, or something like that . . .

So here's a quick summary: Carrie Prejean, winner of the Miss California pageant, responded that she was opposed to gay marriage in an interview question at the Miss USA pageant. And, just to make sure that we understand the whole story, the question was asked by pageant judge and openly gay celebrity blogger, Perez Hilton. So it's probably fair to say that he had an agenda when he asked this question. Perez Hilton and others were outspokenly critical of her response, and some people say that Prejean lost the Miss USA crown because of her answer.

So, when all of this was happening, I was pretty proud of Carrie Prejean. Regardless of your opinion about gay marriage, I think that it takes a lot of guts to stand up on a stage in front of 49 other beautiful women and millions of television viewers and speak what you believe.

Well, thanks to people like Perez Hilton, who refuse to let this matter rest, Prejean has continued to be in the spotlight. Donald Trump (owner of the Miss USA franchise), who at first openly supported her answer re: gay marriage, eventually took away her crown because she had breached the contract she signed with the organization. Nude or semi-nude photos emerged, and then a videotape featuring some inappropriate content came out.

So all of this has been going on for the past months, and frankly, I don't know who isn't sick of hearing about Carrie Prejean. I'm sure that she wishes that she could stay out of the spotlight. Or maybe not. Either way, she's back in the news this week, because of an interview with Christianity Today, in which she says regarding her breast implants: "I don't think there's anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it's a personal decision. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants."

So, 6 lengthy paragraphs later, I finally get to my point. This is where I disagree with Carrie Prejean. Yes: plastic surgery, choices about what we wear and what we do to our bodies and how we present ourselves to the world, are personal decisions. But just because something is a personal decision does not mean that it is an ethical decision, or a decision that is in line with God's love for us and what He desires for us. That is not to say that anybody who decides to have plastic surgery is going against God's will for him or her - I wouldn't presume to know what God's will is for anybody, and it's really between that individual and God. But I think that, in the majority of cases, the cosmetic surgery industry creates, perpetuates, and reinforces false and unattainable standards of beauty, which trickle down to even our small decisions about hair, makeup, and clothing (remember the myth of poreless skin?).

If you don't believe that American culture pressures women (and men) to achieve impossible standards of beauty, email me, because my response to that will be a lot longer than any blog! But if you agree with my basic assumption that we are being faced with these impossible standards, then I think you might agree that a young woman, such as Carrie Prejean, who is representing the state of California in her role as Miss California and representing Christians by publicly declaring her faith, should seriously consider whether or not she is contributing to or combatting this epidemic. How many young girls, entering puberty, will look at pictures of her in her beautiful fairy-princess gowns, gorgeous blond hair, and artificially-enhanced body, and think, "I wish I could be just like her." (I'm reminded of the opening scene of Little Miss Sunshine, when Abigail Breslin watches footage of old beauty pageants and mimics the winners.)

As Christians, one of our important jobs is to reflect Christ for others. So, if somebody looks at me, observes my actions, listens to my words, etc., I want them to look at me and think, "Wow, she makes me want to be just like Jesus." Not "just like her."

And, one more final thought . . . Just because the Bible does not explicitly condemn something does not mean that it's got the stamp of approval from God. True, the Bible does not contain the words "breast implants" or "cosmetic surgery." That's because, luckily or unluckily, it didn't exist thousands of years ago.

Let's look at some other words that are not specifically mentioned in the Bible (I'm using the NIV version here, so if you have a version that does use these words, I'm curious to know what it is!):

• running red lights
• Santa Claus
• plagiarism
• Disney
• Facebook stalking
• listening to podcasts

My point is this: the fact that we live in the 21st century means that we will be faced with moral and ethical challenges that are not specifically mentioned in the Bible (not that Santa Claus, Disney, or podcasts are moral/ethical challenges). So, although I can't find anywhere in Deuteronomy that tells me that I shouldn't run a red light, I'm not going to go on a joyride tonight as I drive home. And, we are fortune in that we aren't given this book of wisdom, love, and truth and expected to read and interpret it on our own - luckily, we've got God to help us out with that.

And I'm reminded of Paul's warning in 1 Corinthians: " 'Everything is permissible for me'- but not everything is beneficial." (1 Cor. 6:12). Paul was speaking here to the people of Corinth that had adopted a loose attitude regarding sexuality, but I think it applies in decisions about how we treat our bodies re: cosmetic surgery and cosmetics in general. Just because the Bible doesn't expressly forbid something does not mean that it is (a) morally right or (b) what God wants for us. (In the rape crisis field, we have a slogan: "The absence of a NO is not the presence of a YES." I think it applies here, as well.)

Okay, so quick summary of my points:

• Stand up for what you believe in, if you are a contestant in the MISS USA Pageant or in your everyday life.
• As Christians, we should model Christ for others, so that they want to be like Him, not like us.
• The cosmetic surgery industry contributes to distorted and false expectations of physical appearance, which is harmful to everybody in our society.
• Just because the Bible doesn't forbid something doesn't mean that it's okay. We should consider, "What does God want for us?"
• The Bible does not mention Facebook stalking.

If you want to see Carrie Prejean's response to Perez Hilton's question, watch here. (Ignore the cruel, ignorant, and often explicit comments on the video, though.)

Do You Float or Sink?

As a lot of people know, I am struggling with one of my classes right now (physics). Since arriving home, my parents have told me I need to study approximately 28 times. As if I didn't already know this or wouldn't study on my own!!! As a result, I have become even more stressed out than before about it (not that they are doing this on purpose at all).

So I was sitting in my room and I could feel my chest tightening & panic surrounding me. And all these failure & terrible thoughts were filling my head. I was talking to Jesus, like please I need help. And he put the story of Peter walking on water in my head... Its such a BEAUTIFUL story!!!


Matthew 14:27-31
(Jesus' disciples have just seen him walking on water toward them)
But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage, it is I. Do not be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," He said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water & came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "Why did you doubt?"

How often do we look at whatever "wind" is coming our way & begin to sink?

If we just keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and ignored the wind, no matter how strong it was blowing, we would never sink. What would our lives look like if we NEVER doubted. What would walking on water look like in your life?

For me I know I would "dream big dreams" :), way bigger than the mediocre ones i often say are my dreams. And I would never be afraid to ask God for anything in prayer. I think I would no longer have any fear of man.

Jesus can calm the wind & walk on water, He can do ALL things... so why don't we let him!?